So let me give you a little back story about my previous post, “Broken” a poem that I wrote last year.
When I wrote this poem, I was feeling very damaged and all my emotions that I bottled up inside flooded my mind and I just had to get rid of that bad vibe. It was meant for my mom really because we don’t have the best relationship & I don’t feel close to her. Around middle school to high school, my dad was working two jobs and I’d only ever see him before school and maybe if I skipped school, other than that I hardly got to see him. My mom was hardly ever home as well because she was busy taking care of my great grandpa from my dad’s side of the family. She was doing it as a favor for my great aunt, who goes to my mom for everything basically.
Most of the time, I came home after school to an empty house and it really hurt me, mostly because I spent all of my time at school alone. I didn’t have any friends and I was lonely as it was and coming home to no one just devastated me. I wrote it for my mom, because to me she was spending all her time and energy worrying if my great grandpa took his pills or whatever when she knows very well that his very own daughter lived beside him, and my sister was staying at his house to help take care of him as well. Still she decided that he was more important than being home for me. I get it, I’m too old to want my parents around. For crying out loud it was middle school to high school. You don’t get it though, no one ever paid any attention to me as I was growing up. I was literally lack of attention because as a child, my oldest brother welcomed his first kid. I was 6 at the time and sadly, I was pushed to the side. Growing up there has always been someone more important than me and that really struck a chord because it made me the self-loathing girl I am today.
Just reading through this, I sound extremely selfish & self-centered but having to deal with those feelings, which I didn’t even understand as a child, over time really breaks you at some point. It makes you realize that people really are temporary and someone better is always going to come around. One time, as I was driving my mom around for errands, she asked me how school was going. I told her that it was okay but I was really stressed because I had a lot of things that I needed to get done and in the middle of my explanations, she interrupts me and says, “I wonder if Pop is awake”(That’s my great grandfather). That whole entire time she wasn’t even listening to why I was so stressed. I felt so hurt by her reaction and just stayed quiet and didn’t talk to her for the rest of the day. When I start ignoring her, she starts to feel bad and tries to convince me to go and buy something for myself. That’s her way of saying I’m sorry. It pisses me off when she does that because it proves that I’m not important to her, all she can offer me is money but she can’t offer to listen to me when I’m not doing so well.
I don’t know if it sounds silly to anyone but I can’t find the right words to explain why this poem was really hard for me to post. It’s very personal. I felt so lost and unimportant that when I was home alone, I would sit in my dark room and I’d cry my eyes out. For the first two years of high school I was extremely depressed and spent most of my time thinking of killing myself. I’m too much of a coward to actually attempt but I thought about it a lot and almost convinced myself to end all of this emptiness that I feel constantly. How do you fill a void in your heart? There’s this feeling of nothingness in my chest and no matter what I do, it just won’t go away.
And that’s the back story to my very depressing poem. I’m sorry if you guys didn’t want to read more sad things but I just felt like an explanation was needed. Don’t worry, I’ll try and post more happy blogs, so no one gets as depressed as I am.
Thanks for stopping by & reading! I really appreciate you all. ❤