Growing Up

When we’re growing up there are all sorts of people telling us what to do when really what we need is space to work out who to be.

-Ellen Page

Growing up. Who wants to grow up? Why can’t we all just be young forever?
I was thinking yesterday and it had dawned on me that I’m growing up. I don’t like the things that I used to before, the way I do things are different, I’m more mature in certain aspects of life. It felt like just the day before I was sixteen going through an acne crisis and crying about why all my friends stabbed me in the back. I’m not sixteen anymore, I turn twenty in two weeks and that realization shook me. Twenty. Where have the years gone?
For a lot of people, yes I am still young, I still have a whole life ahead of me but if you really think about it, just those couple of years from sixteen to twenty has changed my life completely. I may still be young but the hardships that I’ve dealt with in just those years were traumatic. I’m no longer a kid, my goals in life has changed, my mindset has switched, everything is just different. I think that’s what growing up feels like. Growing up is when you finally realize that you’re life isn’t the life you’ve known, it’s a brand new world to live in. Everyone experiences these type of feelings differently. Turning twenty might just be another year to them or some never thought they’d live to even see twenty.

It blows my mind because I have cousins that are just a year younger than me and our lives couldn’t be anymore different. They make me feel like I’m a lot older than I actually am and it confuses me. What makes them so different from me? We’re only separated by a year, maybe even only a few months. We all grew up together, we were all so close but as we each entered high school, it’s like we weren’t even family anymore. I answered my own question. High school changes things for lots of people. It’s a turning point for many lives. Those four years are where your friends mean the world to you and all you want to do is live in the moment because after that you have to figure out what your next step is going to be. Maybe that’s why we’re so different now, our high school experiences were so different. I’ll write about my high school experience in a different post.

Every time I think of my birthday coming up, I kind of dread it but I’m also glad that it’s around the corner. When I feel like there’s a huge mental switch for me, I have to change something in my life. I literally get tingles from head to toe, full of anxiety, full of anticipation. I rearrange my room when I feel a certain vibe and it happens quite often. I think I’ve changed the way my bedroom looked twice in one month. When some part of me dies, a new part of me develops and I have to physically change something to feel that new development. Is that weird? Am I the only one who feels like that? Last year for my nineteenth birthday, I chopped off my hair. I loved my long hair and I grew it out for years but right before my birthday, I told myself that something needed to change. Something no longer felt right anymore and it led me to cut my hair short. Now I regret it because my hair was so long and healthy and I really miss it. Maybe it’s just me but something no longer feels like me, personally, and I need to change it but this time, I have no idea what this change is going to be. I’m coming up blank and it’s sort of scaring me.

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