Three Cheers to Four Years!

High school. The best four years of your life, or so they say. In my experience it was the worse. I have never felt more pressured and insecure than I did in high school. I’ve probably mentioned some of these things before in my previous posts but just bare with me.

Freshmen year, thankfully I had some of my cousins to sit with and hangout with during breaks and lunch. I wasn’t alone and that was one of my biggest fears stepping into high school. It started out great. I was excited and anxious to get through my weeks one day at a time. I had a bench to sit on and people to hangout with but that didn’t last forever. As soon as the year starts kicking in, we all tend to miss school every now and again but when that happened, I was left to sit by myself on the bench and it was nerve racking. I know everyone thought that I was such a loner or something must be wrong with me because I had no friends. Embarrassing for me really. I was a freshmen, all I wanted was to fit in. Plus the bench was in the courtyard and so it would get wet every time it would rain and I’d have to stand up for the entire break or lunch (I didn’t eat school lunches or lunch at all).

Sophomore year came around. Two of my cousins graduated and the other two found friends of their own to sit with and I was by myself. Including freshmen year, this year was one of the hardest years I’ve had to go through emotionally. I didn’t have any friends, no one talked me, I was shy in class, people teased me. I was depressed. It got to the point where I would go home and sit in my room and cry. I felt so worthless, I felt like I couldn’t matter to anyone. To add to it, I was going through some things at home as well which made everything a lot harder to handle. I never wanted to die as much as I did whenever I would go home. I even skipped school because I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to get up in the morning and repeat everything all over again.

Junior year is next. As the days passed, I was just going through the motions. I didn’t feel a thing to be honest. I just wanted to get the hell out of that place by now. In the beginning it all started of the same, I went to school, went to my bench, waited for the first bell and went to class. I had no where to hide and so I just sat on the bench all by myself until it was time for classes again. Towards the middle of the year, a friend from middle school came to join me on the bench. I don’t remember why or how but he did. After that he recruited three more of our old friends from middle school. Now I had friends to sit with, I wasn’t so alone. I was wrong again. I’ve never felt more alone than being with these guys except for one of them. We grew closer as the school year passed and by the end of the year, we were best friends.

Lastly, senior year. Oh boy was I glad to be a senior. I still had my friends and we would always be together except for one I couldn’t find the energy to be at school or when they weren’t at school. We didn’t share any classes together but we’d walk each other to class if they were in the same place. It was fun in the beginning, just like everything would be, then the realization of graduating hits you out of nowhere and you have no clue what you’re going to do with your life. We start taking our senior pictures, going to our last prom, getting ready to graduate. Supposed to be the time of our lives but not for me. I was still depressed, still self-conscious and very insecure. I had a girlfriends day with my so called “BFFs” and I told them that I was depressed and during the first two years of high school I wanted to end my life and they gave me a nervous laugh because they didn’t know what to say. I flipped the conversation around just so I wouldn’t start crying and I made a joke instead to lessen the tension. After that night I realized that they really didn’t care all that much about me. Not because they couldn’t muster up the words to say but because they weren’t interested in the conversation to begin with. I was going through a rough time and the reason why I wanted to hangout was so that I could talk to them about it but I regret ever telling them anything. Skipping all the other downfalls of my high school life, I finally graduate.

Want to know the saddest thing of all though during my last year of high school? I gained some friends who I considered to be my best friends because I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, only until they all chose someone else over me. It happens but when it happens in high school, the feeling of abandonment and worthlessness comes tenfold. After we graduated, we spoke and hung out one or two times but one thing led to another and we no longer considered each other friends anymore. So no, high school wasn’t the best four years of my life.

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