So Close, Yet So Far

Why do I do this to myself?

Back in 2013-2015, I was probably in the best shape that I have ever been in, out of my entire existence. I was tired of hating myself and feeling sorry for myself and told myself that depression was just a joke and that I was just lazy. So I did something about it. I lost weight and was the lightest I’ve ever been but still I wasn’t happy. I was a young girl, craving for some attention but losing weight didn’t help me. I still hated who I was and nothing could’ve helped me at this point. By senior year, I grew distant and went back into my old cycle of self-loathing and not wanting to wake up the next morning. By the end of senior year, I was once again fighting with the depression I tried so hard to push down.

After that, I just continued to gain so much weight. I’m sitting here today, regretting all the doubts and insecurities I had about myself. Which is dumb of me, yes I have gained all my weight back and yes I still hate myself but I’m a different person now. I also regret letting the opinions of others drive me to ruin what I worked so hard to get. Now I’m more comfortable in the skin that I’m in, I’m more confident and this time I’m not lying about it. Of course I’m still insecure but I try my best to switch up my train of thought. I could overcome this obstacle. I’ve done it before and I could do it again. I might not do it the same way or for the same reasons, but it’ll be done. I don’t care how long it takes me just as long as I get it done.

If I could give my younger self another piece of advice it’ll be, love the life you are given and the person you were made to be because at the end of the day, only you could love yourself the way that you deserve. I haven’t figured it out quite just yet but I could feel it in my bones that I’m a lot closer to whatever I’ve been looking for than ever before.

Forgive me for not posting as often. When you’re mind isn’t where it needs to be, it’s hard to write. Thank you for stopping by and if you have any advice or inspiration for a struggling soul like me, feel free to drop a comment down below! You are greatly appreciated.

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